What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 01:34
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
What's an uncomfortable truth you've learned to accept?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
What is the more common way to say "you're welcome" in French: “De rien” or “Pas de problème”?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She found it foreign!.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
It was going to be , some day.
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Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Why did Sumire's summoning Nue act strangely in response to Kawaki's karma?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
What did i know ?
What is the best case of “You just picked a fight with the wrong person” that you've witnessed?
I was scared of men, in general
I was seconnd youngest,
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
So, i spoilt her more .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Ive learnt so much.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Im still living with it.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She wouldn,t have been !
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Why did i forgive my father ?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Put me off passion for life!!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
This is soul school!.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I write beautiful poetry .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I will be 64.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Comes on , in middle age.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I don,t even have a pension.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I waited trembling.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He resisted the act ,that day.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He knew the spot.
And i lived it daily.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
All the time i was locked up.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
We all went to grammer schools
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But it wasn’t much.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We were not on the streets..
When she asked me how she looked .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
So whats the point in blame.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But ive been too sick for many years..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
As i do to all so called friends.?
(And it was in our own minds.)
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
My family never makes their pension either.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One cannot live in the past .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But, we were locked up after school.
She was in good health!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I have no regrets .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I was 9 years of age.
She loved him until the end.
She married twice! .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was very sick at this time too.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I couldn’t, believe it.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Who then, do I blame.?
I think the readers, may guess!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I said to her
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I never cut or harmed myself..
My life is so biszare .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Would this be the day?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I could never make a relationship work though!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And who doesn’t know suffering?